Staying sober is so incredibly hard sometimes. Actually, it usually feels completely fucking impossible. It’s like the day before you go on vacation as a kid. All week, all day, all night, all you can think about is the trip. It completely consumes you. By the time you get to the airport you’re ready to burst. Your stomach is in a knot and you just can’t seem to keep it together. It’s simply too much for you. You want to calm down but you can’t.
That’s how the obsession of this disease is to me sometimes. I just can’t get it out of my head. It’s stronger than I am, I’m using all the tools I can, I’m praying, reading, eating, but it doesn’t matter. I feel like I am truly hopeless. Actually I know I am, it’s a medical fact. Even if I make it sober until the end, I’ll have times like this forever. This has been proven and cited for hundreds of years. My addiction just gets stronger right along side of me. It’s like the flu. Eventually, it WILL be back and right now it’s morphing itself around all the new antibiotics, just waiting for me to let my guard down so it can fight me again with all it’s got. Chances are, I will survive a relapse, just like the flu, but many people don’t on either account. The future of repetitive relapse makes me feel so weak at times that I can’t even see my self getting out of bed. Why try?
So, imagine that even though the flu is horrible, it makes you sick as hell, keeps everyone at an arms reach from you, not to mention it could kill you, and when you have it you want nothing else in the world other than to get rid of it, but you still want it so bad that it makes your stomach tremble, like a first kiss, at the thought of having it again just one more time. That’s what being in active addiction feels like. Active addiction is when you are in the sick cycle of using and craving. Up and down. Weather you’re in a period of sobriety or not, the obsession keeps knocking.
So pretend that after you recover from the flu you find yourself feeling totally consumed by the thought of licking hospital doorknobs to just catch it again or at least to end that continuous compulsive craving. Now you see how being an addict feels. Whether you’re still using (in the midst of active addiction) or not, the obsession is always there. It makes absolutely no sense, but someone else is driving the bus. No matter how hard you try, it’s always right behind you just waiting for you to put your guard down, and tomorrow it will be more illusive and stronger than today. Nice life, huh? This guaranteed future, this larger than life bully is too intimidating to look in the eye. I can’t possibly win.
I can hear them right now,” He just can’t stay away from the flu, that flu is going to cost him his job and kids, the flu is going to end up killing him if he doesn’t stop kissing those sick people!” It sounds crazy right? That’s because it is. That’s the insanity of this disease. A physical addiction that knows you can’t keep doing it, and a mental obsession insisting you can’t possibly leave it alone. It’s truly hopeless. The understanding of that concept is very important to me. Early on I learned that using resulted in pleasure. As time moved on and the disease progressed, using gradually led to nothing but pain. Addiction goes from impulsive, to compulsive, to repulsive. Trying to accept and realize that very process of this disease is what brought me to recovery. I had to be honest with myself for once and admit that the thrill was gone. Using had turned into medication for me. Things weren’t okay anymore.