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Kleenex And Lotion: Crazy but True Stories of Sex in America
Author:
kleenexandlotion.com
Published:
11/2/2009 9:28:32 PM
Pages:
204
Keywords:
comedy,funny,hilarious,humor,love,lust,one night stand,sex,sexy,threesomes,virginity
Audience Level:
Mature
Genres:
Fiction / EroticaHealth & Fitness / SexualityHumor / General
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As I sat there
listening to this story in a bar; of one young man working a
bachelorette party…going from the 19 year old niece to the old
lady in one night it was not only horrifyingly funny…it got me
thinking.
How
many of us have those stories? Those incredible, sometimes
embarrassing, but always great…great tales because they
are for the most part true. I did. I knew others who did as well.
I'm
willing to bet millions have stories just like these. Maybe even
better.
And,
by no means are these stories simply salacious recounting of sexual
conquest. Ok, so a few of them are but the point is they are all
entertaining. Immensely so.
We started the series
with "Kleenex & Lotion" being the first volume, based
on the stories of 3 guys. We see this as being a series of books
based off of stories of real sex and funny situations, by you! Our reader! You can com by our website,
www.kleenexandlotion.com and get started.
From
a tavern near you to a bookshelf in airports, corner stores, and
coffee tables world wide we present to you "Kleenex &
Lotion: Crazy but true Stories of sex in America."
In it you'll find that what seemed like a nipple wasn't…
…that you can lose your virginity three times across three
months and three states…
…and that a "Hat Trick" isn't just a Hockey term.
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Kleenex and Lotion is a consortium of writers brought together by long-time blog writer Underlandtongue.We aim to please. We ask that you aim too please.
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"Happy Trail"
Blaming farts on the dog is one thing.
This tale that Ben tells is part morality play, part gross out but in whole…
…too crazy to not be true.
I don’t encourage cheating in any relationship. But some couples seem
to enjoy sneaking around each other’s backs and fucking other people
religiously. My buddy “Red” was a young, well dressed, muscular,
manager of a local bar. The crazy Son of a bitch could remember
everything that happened when we drank. So he was useful to have around
the next day. He was always chased by the ladies, even after he said he
had a girlfriend. Even after he told them that she was a 5’9” blonde,
big tittied, bikini model…
Nicknamed “Blondie.”
(Which she actually was, and I think still is, by the way.)
Red lived with his girlfriend in a 2 story townhouse with their dog (I
don’t know what the hell its name was, it’s dead now). It was some type
of dog that used to hunt lions or some shit in Africa. I think a
Ridgeback or something. Regardless, they lived with a bigger flippin’
dog. It was an upscale townhouse in a rich suburb full of snobby people
and old farts. And, since his girlfriend was out of town at a photo
shoot so…
The mayhem started as night fell, when Red and I decided to go to the
bar and have a few and to watch the Chicago Cubs play. We did this only
when Blondie was out of town because she hated it when we drank
together.
This was working out great!
When we watch the Cubs, it rarely stops at a few and before I knew it
we were getting tore up. I had to work early the next day so about the
6th inning, I stupidly drove home and went to bed and left him alone.
Apparently, Red was sitting at the bar drinking some Old Style when a
pretty little blonde came up and started hitting on him. She was
5’0”-5’2”, short haired blonde, blue eyes, small boobs, but a great
ass. They talked and flirted for the rest of the game and into the
night. Later on somehow she told him she wanted to fuck him and she
didn’t care that he had a girlfriend. Typical tramps he seems to find,
but me being a single guy can never find them. Go figure.
They go back to his house, because she was from out of town, and plus
Red’s girlfriend wasn’t home for the weekend and would never know. They
get back to his pad, have another drink and start to fool around in the
living room. It doesn’t stop at fooling around; before he knew it she
was sucking his dick and was completely naked and begging to be fucked.
Red, knowing he was cheating on Blondie, suggested they go upstairs to
the bedroom so the neighbors “wouldn’t get a show.” They get upstairs
and they start going it like rabbits. The wild
one-night-stand-freakiness that only happens with someone you will
never see again. She was something wild.
While he is hitting her doggy style, she moans, “Fuck my ass.”
Perplexed by this Red says “What?”
“Fuck my ass. I’ve never had it done and I want to try it tonight.”
“Ok, I really don’t like that, but if that’s what you want,” he said laughing inside.
So he searches though his night stand, finds some lube, and then lubes
himself up and sticks it in her pooper. The girl immediately started
screaming. He described it as being so tight it was like trying to
shove a hotdog into a straw opening. So he gets her loosened up, starts
fucking her hard, and she starts going crazy. Screaming bloody murder.
Then it happens…the garage door begins to open.
Red, knowing instantly that Blondie probably got done with the shoot
early and starts freaking out. Pulls out of the girl and starts yelling.
“Get out the front door! Now!”
“What? Why? I’m confused?”
“Get out! Now! My girlfriend is home!”
“Let me get my clothes on first.”
“No, get out now God dammit!”
He grabs all her clothes, throws them at her and rushes her out the
front door naked. Yes, naked. Not five seconds after he gets the girl
out the front door, the door to the garage opens up and Red bolts
upstairs. He immediately jumps in the shower and scrubs up.
“Red! What the fuck is going on! What the hell happened?” He hears over the shower as Blondie comes into the bedroom.
Blondie flings open the door to the master bathroom and begins to
scream incoherent combinations of swear words at Red. He gets out of
the shower, and she grabs his arm drags him into the bedroom and points
at the floor to what looks like chocolate syrup on the carpet.
Following the trail, she drags him out of the room, down the hall, down
the stairs and then out the front door. Then the smell hits Red. It’s a
liquid poopie trail from the girl that he just kicked out. The shit
must have been running down her leg as he rushed her out of the house.
Of course, since they cheat on each other all the time, they are quick
thinkers and can bullshit with the best. He comes up with an ingenious
story.
“Honey, it was the dog. I was watching TV with the dog in our room when
he started acting funny and then he started shitting everywhere and I
rushed him out the front door because it was faster that going to the
back door. I was just cleaning his shit off myself before I started to
clean the house.”
She bought it. She immediately went over the dog and in baby speak was asking the dog what was wrong.
Red blamed it on the dog. Yes folks, the dog. It worked. But he got hit
hard the next two days. He not only had to pay $500 to get the carpets
cleaned and buys a new down comforter, but over $1000 in vet bills, so
Blondie could figure out what was wrong with the dog.
I didn’t believe his story of course, but the next time I was in town,
I went over to his place and saw a slight discoloration in the carpet
the cleaners couldn’t get. Plus the remaining shit smell was
unquestionable…some months after the act.
He shook his head and said to me privately, “Totally not worth it.”
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